Jewish Blue

Most Mormon gay men born 1976, not now—alive on Earth—

Didn’t vanish from AIDS; we killed ourselves before living as

Men might have killed us.

Some, like me at 18, guessed wrong which whole bottle

Of pills would actually work and so somehow survived.

Soon after though—Tomislav Katsuic—you

Somehow showed up to be the young man

I realized I wanted, who could make it all

Worth it for me, who made me want to

Want to be married, regardless of temple

Ceremonies, the 20th Century Supreme

Court, or my family’s would-be-native,

Ersatz Utah gods.

But, Tommislav?

My Mr. Tall-dark-haired-and-twenty!

It wasn’t until just this year, 2021, when

I finally realized your favorite thing about

How I looked next to you, how it must have

Been the same favorite thing as Kamisha’s—

The girl who was my only actual girlfriend

Ever, for a month in high school.

Now—and this is your fault! you did this to

Me!—whenever I catch, in a fleeting

Mirrored reflection, a glimpse of my face

I understand my eyes’ hue to almost

Have been, to in my heart’s heart

Would-have-been-by-marriage-been

And thus are and still ever will be

Eyes the color of Jewish Blue.